Day 4

Not really fasting anymore but still juicing. Feeling a little bit better every day.


Note to self: Juice does not "keep" over night. Drink it while it is fresh or lose 75% of the taste. I never thought watermelon could taste stale until today.

Day 3

7:00am ~ I had a major craving for water this morning. I didn't want pop. I am not hungry yet so I didn't want to make any juice yet. Which really doesn't matter because I wanted WATER. Now I have always loved water as long as it is nice and cold. We have the best water at work. I drink a lot of it there. But I admit at home I often drink pop. So I guess despite my dinner time cheating the last couple of days I am still making improvements. To bad we are down to just a couple of bottles of water left in the fridge ...


So I juiced during the day and the hubby and I went out to eat for supper. We went to a buffet and I filled up on salad and veggies. It was really really good! I did have some goodies like fried chicken and a rice krispie bar. I know I know not great choices. But I really enjoyed myself and the time I spent with my hubby.


I think I have found a happy medium in all of this. I juice during the day and eat a decent dinner at night. I am feeling a lot better then before. I don't know how to describe it. I just feel healthier. Maybe it is one of those things that you don't know how it feels until you actually feel it. But I am feeling good. I plan to continue the juicing but letting myself eat real food for dinner. Maybe some day I can go full on juice fast. But for now I am happy.

Day 2

Day 2 ~ I had to work so it was easier not to eat all day. I made a large batch of watermelon and pineapple juice. It filled me up pretty well before work. I did cheat and have a can of pop during my normal supper break. I drank it mostly because I wanted something other then water while on my break. I was out of juice at that point. I guess I should start bringing my cooler again so I can keep some juice with me. I won't have to worry about it for a few days since I have the weekend off. Plenty of time to plan.

I did give in after work and ate again. I may have to adjust this plan. I feel pretty good juicing for breakfast and lunch but by supper I am hungry and angry. I can't get it out of my head that with the Slim Fast plan you get to shakes and a sensible meal. So why can't I do that with juicing? LOL

Day 1

12:00am ~ It is midnight now. Time to begin the fasting. I stopped at Burger King on my way home from work and shoveled chicken fries in my mouth. Then I washed it down with a huge pop. Right before midnight I ate a candy bar and two baby bell cheese thingies. Tiny round cheeses will be the last thing I eat for over a week. Interesting ...


7:30am ~ I am thinking I should go make something. I am not sure what yet. The only down side is the hubby didn't prep any of the fruit and veggies yesterday. So I have to do that first before juicing and finally drinking. This is why I am fat. I to lazy to make anything. Not to mention the fact that the baby won't stop touching the computer and now he is doing the ugly cry. How am I suppose to make anything with wild child going nuts? Maybe some watermelon will make him happy ... if I ever figure out how to get that thing cut open ...



12:00pm ~ Well it has been 12 hours. I am hungry but then I have not juiced for lunch yet. I was pretty full after my breakfast juice. It was good ... needed more lime. Not sure what I am going to make for lunch. Maybe I will use the broccoli. I will have to see what the hubby wants ..... lunch wasn't great but it wasn't bad either. I need to make things more sweet. That was a bit to much veggie.


2:30pm ~ Surprised by how hard I have to think about not eating. I keep thinking "Oh I better go eat something! No ... wait ... " or stopping myself from reaching over and munching on things around me for the baby. I have almost put an animal cracker in my mouth like 9 times now.



7:00pm ~ I caved and ate real food. I want to feel guilty about it but I don't. It tasted soooo good. All of the anger and frustration I was feeling went away. It was odd. I thought I should feel bad for cheating but really I just felt good for listening to myself and eating solid food when I felt like I needed it. Hmmm ....

10 day juice fast

I recently watched a movie called Fat Sick and Nearly Dead with my husband. It was a pretty good movie. We watched the film maker go from ... well every thing in the title of the movie to healthy and happy and slowly working his way off his medications. He looked amazing and it inspired us to try what he tried. So we soon will be starting a 10 day juice fast. I know it sounds crazy. Maybe it is a little bit. But I think we have both gotten to the point where we need to do something. We are not living a healthy life style and I would hate to see us drag our boys down that road too.

So we bought the juicer used in the movie. We looked at other juicers but this one seemed to have the best reviews. The hubby is at the store right now stocking up on large quantities of fruits and veggies. I made room on the counter for the juicer and room in the fridge for the food. I am looking forward to getting this started tomorrow. I have to work tonight so it will have to wait until tomorrow for me.

My hopes for this reboot is mostly to feel better and have more energy. Maybe my hair will stop falling out and finally start looking better. I hope the arthritis in my knee gets better and my allergies go away. Obviously weight loss is a bonus but it is not my main drive here. I just want to feel better and to hurt less. Anything else that comes with it will make me happy.

So I will check in every day and we will see how I do. Not eating food will be weird. But hopefully the juice will fill me up so that I won't think about it to much. Wish us luck!

One of those moments

I had one of those moments today. Ya know the ones that make you feel fatter then you ever thought possible. When you remind yourself that you would never let yourself get "here" and yet here you are.

My new job requires that I wear scrubs. I was really excited to go out and buy a few pairs. The first store I went to had only one top that fit me. That top was in navy blue. I need purple or teal for work. Ugh! I ordered 4 tops so I would have 2 in each color. But it is going to take 2 weeks for them to come in. So it will be at least another week before they are here. I ordered 2 more online and rush ordered them so they would be here before my first day of work. They have not come. So I went to the store to try and buy one top since I have two pants. I picked out the biggest size they carried and tried them on. Of course they didn't fit. I looked like a sausage ... a flowered sausage. The one with butterflies did not fit well but at least I could move around in it. It will have to do until I can get something else.

I have never been more embarrassed. I can not walk into a store and buy the uniforms I need to do my job. I have to have them special ordered to fit over my fat. I look at these items as I hold them out in front of me and think they look huge. I am sure they will fit. But of course they don't.

I feel miserable. I am angry at myself for letting this happen. I feel ashamed for not doing anything to make it better. I sat there and ate fried chicken and coleslaw and potato salad and birthday cake while drinking pop by the gallons all the while feeling sorry for my ever growing self. I feel ugly. I don't usually feel bad about my body. I know I am fat but I don't usually feel fat. Today I feel the worst I have ever felt. I don't know how to get a grip and stop this before I get sick. Before my husband looses interest. Before I can't get on the floor and play with my son. Before I have to inject myself with medication to even myself out. Before I die.

I used to be anorexic. I would not eat for weeks at a time. Only drinking pop and putting food in my mouth when I had to so no one would notice that fact that I wasn't eating at all. I find myself more and more missing that girl. I know that is horrible. I know that is not any healthier then what I am doing to myself now. I know I can't go back to her. But it is times like this that I miss as much as I hate her. As much as I hate the girl I have become.

I need to figure this out. I need to find something. I hope this job will help because it will require me to be on my feet all day long. But who knows if anything will change. I need to find something that will help. I just don't know what that is.

Scary number

Everybody has a scary number. At least I imagine that they do. Maybe not everyone worries about weight as much as I do. But I have a scary number. I am on my second scary number by the way.

So my first scary number was oh I don't know 100 pounds ago. UGH! I worried about it with Bryan. But thankfully I didn't get near it. I did gain 40 pounds right at the end of my pregnancy. I lost all of that weight by the time I had my 6 week check up. Crisis averted!

Then I got on the depot shot and all hell broke loose. I ate and ate and ate because I was constantly hungry. I was to busy taking care of Bryan to work out the way I did before I got pregnant. And with out those long bike rides I gained a lot of weight. I saw my scary weight come.

I was at my first scary weight when Ethan and I started dating. I wasn't happy but it wasn't bad. especially now when I would kill to go back to that weight! Slowly over the years, just a few pounds at a time, I left my old scary number in the dust and have been heading towards my new scary number.

I was worried that I would go up to and right on over that number while I was pregnant with Wyatt. Some how I lost weight instead of gained weight while I was pregnant. I lost even more weight after Wyatt was born and more with breastfeeding. It takes a lot of calories to make milk. And the weight was just falling off. Then something happened to my supply. I still don't know what. Now I make barely enough milk to burn off a twinkie. UGH!

So I have reached the scary number. I am not happy ... not happy at all. I am more then a little bit uncomfortable. Nothing I own fits well except the clothes I wore during my second trimester. You know when you are bloaty and pudgy and just to big for your regular clothes but not ready for maternity clothes. I am having trouble doing regular things. Daily stuff sucks. Work sucks. *sigh*

I want to have another baby soon. And I just can not go into another pregnancy at this weight. I managed to fly under the radar last time. I am not sure I can pull that off again. I don't want anything bad to happen to me or to a baby. At the very least I want to get my eating habits under control now so that when I get pregnant again it is not a big change. Because I have to do better while pregnant. I did it with Wyatt. So I will do it again.

Now I just have to actually do something about it. I have the items to work out. I just don't do it. Which is stupid. I am thinking about doing Weight Watchers again. I don't know why I can't get on the plan and stay on the plan. I am thinking about doing the online program. Maybe it will help to keep my motivated.

What ever I do I have to do something. NOW! It is to important. Now to figure out how to get it done.

No jammies for me

Sad and embarrassing day. I bought 2 pairs of pajama pants last night. They were on a clearance rack. Only $7 per pair. I should have known it was to good to be true. Maybe there was a reason they were on clearance. Maybe they are not really the size they claim to be. Or maybe I just have a fat belly and need to get real with myself. *sigh*

What ever the reason the pants don't fit. Both pairs are tight. I get them to my butt and think oh crap. I yank them up and over my belly. They sausage over my middle section. I am definitely one of those people who carries a lot of her weight in the belly. You know the kind that is most likely to kill you. Oh great! UGH!

I can't decide if I want to return the pants. Or keep them as inspiration. Or just give them away to the 9 month pregnant girl at work. They will probably fit her better then they do me. Ugh! For now they sit on the kitchen table mocking me. Until I get around to cleaning off the kitchen table later.

I have four days off from work now. I love my long weekends! So hopefully I can spend some time planning healthy meals and doing my walking videos. And pumping milk! I swear breast milk making is the best diet. To bad I only make a few ounces a day now. *sigh*

Walk

I started Walking Away the Pounds the other day. It is a work out video series. It sounds silly. You walk ... at home ... in your living room. What is wrong with going outside and walking you say? Outside is below zero! Outside the snow is up to my butt! Outside if I get tired there is no place to sit down and rest but a snow bank. And those are cold.

I could go to the gym. But gym memberships cost money and what would I do with the baby? We don't even take him to a daycare so that we can work. Why would I take him to the gym's "daycare" so I can go walk on a treadmill? INSIDE!

I've got some hand weights, one of those stretchy bands, 4 work out videos in one DVD and if I kick the blocks out of the way plenty of room to work out. As long as I step lightly of course. Cause God knows if I stomp hard enough I could end up in the basement.

So I gave this video series a whirl. I actually enjoyed myself. Who knew working out could be fun. You start with just one mile. It took roughly 20 minutes to walk that one mile. She dumbs it down for you and you start with little things like walking in place and little kicks or side steps. Pretty easy stuff. Then the music picks up and you pick up the pace. Still easy but at least now you are starting to do some work. Then she added the weighted balls in. A good thing. It got a lot harder but not the OMG I think I am going to vomit and then kill somebody for making me feel fat and out of shape hard. I was working. I was sweating. I was mildly out of breath. My arms started to ache. Just as I was feeling like I couldn't keep up the pace anymore she switched to the cool down and then stretches. WOOT WOOT! I did the whole work out! I was proud for making it through and finally working out this year. Yeah me!

I have a cold. As I picked up the pace and my breathing picked up I started coughing. UGH! It is hard to keep moving when you are hoarking up a lung like an 80 year old smoking granny at the casino. I would have started this earlier if it wasn't for this stinking cold! UGH!

The baby was far less impressed by my work out then I was. He sat in his jumparoo, munching on a cracker and staring me like I had lost my ever loving mind. Ya maybe you should let mommy sleep more often! This is what happens when I don't sleep. I start dancing around the living room like a crazy woman!

So anyway it went well. I felt challenged with out feeling exhausted. Because if my big butt couldn't make it through the basic video I am pretty sure I would have been pissed. And probably cried a little bit. The baby really would have thought I was crazy then. I look forward to doing it again. A first for any work out I have done ... like ... ever. Now all I need is a good nights sleep. Did you hear that little man? A GOOD nights sleep ... all night ... because 4 am is not an appropriate time to eat breakfast and play with blocks!

So far ... diddly

So we are now what 5 days into 2011? And I have done a whole lot of NOTHING on my road to better health and another baby. I shouldn't say that. I bought a medium Redbull the other day on my way to work instead of the the large can. HA! Baby steps are better then no steps.

Sadly I have fit no exercise in. My walking DVD is still sitting here on the side table. I have a stupid cold. I am miserable. Does coughing until my brain wants to explode count as working out? Because if it does I am golden! I am not sleeping much because I am up all night coughing. I am not getting much in for naps during the day. Either I am coughing or the baby is napping for 30 minutes tops before going into full on panic mode. Separation anxiety has set in ... lucky me. Don't get me wrong I love snuggling the baby. But he wanted to be in my arms for large amounts of time yesterday. And if I wasn't snuggling him while sitting in the middle of a pile of laundry that I only got half folded and that he was wiping his nose on then I was chasing him around. He does not crawl yet but he does creep. He pulls himself around on his belly with his arms like some kind of tiny little zombie child. (He bites with that one little tooth so be careful) It gets him around and it gets him there pretty fast. And the Christmas tree is still up. Like I said I have been sick. He decided that his big brother's Christmas ornaments and the string of lights looked like fabulous things to chew on. With out the presents there to block him it was a free for all. My tree skirt is no longer under the tree. He pulled it out, rolled around in it and left it for dead in the middle of the living room. *sigh* Why are boys so messy?

I have a guilty admission. I pulled out the box of maternity clothes and took out a pair of my stretchy pants. They are not maternity pants. The are just fat girl jeans that I bought at Walmart during my second trimester. You know that funny phase when your regular jeans are to tight but your belly by no means fits into the huge belly panels of preggo pants? Ya I am wearing those jeans. They are so comfy and stretchy. My regular jeans are getting a little tight and while feeling sick and crappy I just couldn't deal with it anymore. So I pulled out the stretchy jeans Tuesday and headed to work fully expecting to hear my coworker give me crap. When I told her I had no urge to ever go back to regular jeans after the baby was born she told me my husband would divorce me if I did not pack them away. Ya well poop on that. I am fat and sick and want to be comfy at work. Oh well!

So ... well ... ya ... I have done nothing. When I feel crappy I get into this "my give a damn is busted" feeling which tends to lead to horrible eating habits. Which would explain why my breakfast consisted of a diet caffeine free pop and Oreos. Trust me the only reason I drank that pop was because we had nothing else in the fridge to drink but milk. I hate milk. And I drank enough water yesterday to kill a horse. So I just wasn't in the mood for it this morning. Despite my love for water. That is one of my few benefits in all this. I LOVE WATER. It has to be cold and the more ice in it the happier I am. But I truly enjoy drinking water. I just like Redbull better. HA!

If I ever get rid of this cold things might start happening. I should probably at least pull out my hand weights and do a little lifting. Heck I could do that from the chair while watching Kathie Lee and Hoda every morning. Now there is a thought .... DING!