I had one of those moments today. Ya know the ones that make you feel fatter then you ever thought possible. When you remind yourself that you would never let yourself get "here" and yet here you are.
My new job requires that I wear scrubs. I was really excited to go out and buy a few pairs. The first store I went to had only one top that fit me. That top was in navy blue. I need purple or teal for work. Ugh! I ordered 4 tops so I would have 2 in each color. But it is going to take 2 weeks for them to come in. So it will be at least another week before they are here. I ordered 2 more online and rush ordered them so they would be here before my first day of work. They have not come. So I went to the store to try and buy one top since I have two pants. I picked out the biggest size they carried and tried them on. Of course they didn't fit. I looked like a sausage ... a flowered sausage. The one with butterflies did not fit well but at least I could move around in it. It will have to do until I can get something else.
I have never been more embarrassed. I can not walk into a store and buy the uniforms I need to do my job. I have to have them special ordered to fit over my fat. I look at these items as I hold them out in front of me and think they look huge. I am sure they will fit. But of course they don't.
I feel miserable. I am angry at myself for letting this happen. I feel ashamed for not doing anything to make it better. I sat there and ate fried chicken and coleslaw and potato salad and birthday cake while drinking pop by the gallons all the while feeling sorry for my ever growing self. I feel ugly. I don't usually feel bad about my body. I know I am fat but I don't usually feel fat. Today I feel the worst I have ever felt. I don't know how to get a grip and stop this before I get sick. Before my husband looses interest. Before I can't get on the floor and play with my son. Before I have to inject myself with medication to even myself out. Before I die.
I used to be anorexic. I would not eat for weeks at a time. Only drinking pop and putting food in my mouth when I had to so no one would notice that fact that I wasn't eating at all. I find myself more and more missing that girl. I know that is horrible. I know that is not any healthier then what I am doing to myself now. I know I can't go back to her. But it is times like this that I miss as much as I hate her. As much as I hate the girl I have become.
I need to figure this out. I need to find something. I hope this job will help because it will require me to be on my feet all day long. But who knows if anything will change. I need to find something that will help. I just don't know what that is.
